Love and Sex

Answers to Your Questions About What It’s Really Like to Be in a Dom/Sub Relationship

Inadvertently, seven years ago, when I was going through a divorce, I happened to cross paths with my first Dominant online. My initial reaction was to flee quickly: Surely he’s some whip-wielding maniac with a dungeon in his basement. Even though I’ve also had vanilla relationships, I have three dominant/submissive (D/s) relationships under my belt as of right now, and I can honestly claim that each one built on the one before it and taught me significant lessons about my body, myself, and even life.

What about D/s do you like best?

The responses I hear myself giving are equally shocking to me, ranging from mouthy and completely inappropriate to humble and pleasing or with no air in my lungs at all. I continue to experience want, love, fear, exposure, my power, and his control and protection with my mind, heart, and entire body. I not only feel more alive and sensual/sexually aware thanks to the D/s dynamic, but I also discover and own more of who I am.

In D/s relationships, “punishment and discipline” have been reported to be used: How does that appear?

I’ll have to take a step back since I can only explain this from my perspective:

I am a complex individual with numerous facets. I generally consider myself to be very upright: responsible, diligent, kind, considerate, competent, organized (boring). I’m not sure, but it could come from my upper middle class, good girl background.

S&M may be useful in this situation for certain people. Others experience kink, spanking, bondage, or all of the above. It might even include being humiliated and sitting in a corner like a teased kid. Because the submissive never knows “exactly” what her Dom will do, even a small amount of anxiety can be seductive. She should constantly be aware of her safety and that she won’t be pushed over her mental, physical, or emotional boundaries. If this occurs and she wants it to stop right away, she can yell out a “safe word” that has been decided upon by both parties.

But why on earth would a grown lady wish to act in such an infantile manner?

All I know is that there is a part of me that is drawn to powerful, strong, creative, and decisive men that also have the Dom “skill set” (a topic for another article). And I enjoy how it makes me feel as a woman and a sexual person when I’m around that energy and reminded of it. Although I don’t doubt that I possess all of those qualities, when I experience such feelings with my spouse, something deep within me is calmed and aroused.

Why didn’t you look into D/s prior to getting divorced?

Looking back, all I can conclude is that my desire for sex beyond the necessities was stifled by the routine of raising three children in a predictable, stable, domestic life and marriage. I didn’t really understand how much my sexual desire is aroused when my mind and imagination are continually pushed and engaged until I found myself single again at the age of 37. That’s what a D/s relationship gives me.

What about D/s do you want women to know the most?

Second, when you love your partner, D/s is like this personal, unique adventure that allows you to discover intimate, amazing, unending things about yourself and your relationship. Sex is more of an extension of that voyage, a vehicle if you will, that enables you to dig up, inquire about, brave, give to, receive from, and explore aspects of yourself and a small portion of yourself that you were unaware of. Nearly cosmic in its strength, intensity, and interconnectedness. You two seem to be bonded together way muscles are related to bones.

Do you experience psychological problems?

In the real world, I am a working mother, a professional, and independent. However, as a woman, D/s calls to a secret, hidden part of my spirit. I yearn to be controlled, taken, and led by one incredible man I adore. But not just anyone can claim to be a Dom and claim ownership of me. The entrance to that precious area of me is guarded by a vicious tiger.and I urge other females to do the same action.

Does D/s only involve agony, blood, chains, and whips?

No. Do not mistake D/s for sadomasochism, which is S&M. S&M refers to a situation where one person (the sadist) enjoys inflicting pain—often sexual pain—on another person who similarly enjoys receiving it (the masochist). However, most of the time, it’s mild to moderate and takes the form of spanking, which, let’s be honest, many “vanilla” couples have attempted in the heat of passion. Still, some people may add some amount of S&M into their D/s dynamic.

The acronym BDSM stands for “bondage and discipline,” “DS” stands for “dominance and submission,” and “SM” stands for “sadomasochism.” It is up to the couple to choose and agree to jointly because not everyone combines all areas, and they don’t all do so in the same ways. Additionally, many couples just refer to actions like handcuffing or blindfolding as “kink” instead of classifying themselves under these categories.

So D/s is primarily about kink sex?

D/s is mostly a dynamic energy transfer between two individuals. While the other person, the sub, assumes more of the role of the pleaser, brat, tester, baby girl, and/or servant because the Dom takes on more of the role of the boss, teacher, enforcer, protector, and/or father. Many couples restrict sexual role-playing in the bedroom to the D/s dynamic. But beyond that, D/s may be extended and used in fascinating and inventive ways.

For instance, a Dom may establish straightforward yet ‘unusual’ rules for his sub to obey, such as insisting she request his consent before masturbating while he is away.then Or, the dynamic can entail additional duties and considerably tougher restrictions that give him greater control over her thoughts, feelings, and actions. The distinction between master and slave, which is much more intricate and more of a lifestyle, begins at this point.

Is the Dom in complete control while the sub is essentially a doormat?

No. One of the biggest myths regarding D/s is this one. A true D/s relationship is centered on the sub’s needs, wants, desires, and curiositiesalso  she establishes the relationship’s direction and parameters. Her Dom is to assist her artistically and safely explore her innermost self, mentally, emotionally, and yes, even sexually. He does this by paying great attention to her, probing questions, figuring out what she says and sometimes can’t. Her boundaries are occasionally gently pushed as well.

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