You and your lover are engaged in the conflict of the century; the back and forth goes on forever. You can’t remember what began this specific argument because of all the back and forth. You only know that this time you’re not going to lose it. You slam your partner once more and bring up how they neglected to take out the garbage the previous week. You consider your move.
Arguments, while enjoyable in the moment, can undermine the core of your partnership. It’s crucial to consider why you and your partner are fighting more frequently. Every relationship argues occasionally, but you don’t want to make this a routine.
According to couples therapist Geoff Lamb, “Intimate relationships are always difficult because of their intimacy and intensity.” Things that we can put up with from acquaintances and coworkers appear to bother us more when our partner does them. Fights don’t always result from challenges, though they frequently do. Even when you win a fight, you still lose, according to the majority of couples’ experiences.
Why Do Couples Quarrel?
Even the smallest thing could start an argument if you and your partner are continually at each other’s throats. The truth is that there are a lot of minor issues that separate couples.
“In my practice, I’ve heard so many debates over how to use a dishwasher that I wonder if doing the dishes by hand wouldn’t be preferable,” adds Lamb. When you live with someone and are in a relationship, there are some issues that need to be discussed yet can easily lead to arguments. These include sex, money, chores, living arrangements, kids, friends, and in-laws. They also include job, commitments, and time spent together and apart.
Talking about all of things can undoubtedly lead to arguments, says Lamb. It’s vital to keep in mind that one reason [these topics] are significant to us in our relationships. This implies that we must discuss them with our partners, but perhaps we can do it in a helpful way.
10 Strategies to Stop Arguing
Want your relationship to be more peaceful? There are ways to temper arguments, even though you might not be able to stop them entirely. Let’s look at 10 suggestions you can use before your next argument.
Adopt a constructive mindset.
It’s not all bad news, either. Argumentative behavior is a sign that something is wrong in your relationship, according to Lamb. “Your spouse and that’something’ are significant to you both. Most of us rarely argue with people who are not significant to us. Consider these advantages. When you are aware of the issue, you can start looking for a solution.
Give up needing to be correct.
Although it is challenging to overcome this behavior, you should at least try. “Most disputes are about showing to our spouse that they’re wrong, irrational, or unreasonable for not doing what we want them to do. Instead of getting into a dispute about this, why not try asking for what you want since it’s important to you?” recommends Lamb.
Take a time to chill.
According to Lamb, difficult issues present difficulties because they elicit strong emotions. “When you feel a strong feeling coming up, especially rage, find some place by yourself to think about things. Anger normally emerges when we have a need that’s not being met, we don’t feel listened to, taken seriously, appreciated, or understood. When you go back to your lover, focus on what you need.”
Stay on point.
“It’s tempting to treat a relationship like a court of law. We want to build a case against our spouse, and to achieve that we sometimes gather ‘evidence’ from past events to support our position,” explains Lamb. “This makes the whole thing much bigger than it has to be. They have to choose between fighting you or admitting they’re wrong, have always been wrong, and will always be wrong.
Rather than dredging up the past, stay in the present moment and stick to the matter at hand. “Pay attention to the problem that’s bugging you right now and figure out how to ask for what you need without making the other person feel awful if they don’t provide it to you.”
Discuss your feelings.
You could fall into the trap of holding your partner responsible for everything while you’re having a disagreement. Consider your feelings rather than what you believe they have done incorrectly. Lamb continues, “The essential thing is to express how you’re feeling rather than blaming your partner.”
Before saying something cruel, take a deep breath.
You don’t always have to shoot to kill with your words. Lamb explains that taking a breath allows you to consider the reasons behind your desire to say something hurtful. “Usually, when we say hurtful things, it’s because we’ve been hurt and want to get even. expressing something along the lines of, “I’m so hurt, I want to say something hurtful.” We want the other person to experience pain because we have been injured so they may understand how it feels. The language I’ve described can accomplish that without inciting conflict.
These 6 Relationship Skills Are Essential for a Happy Marriage
Recall the enjoyable moments.
You might not remember how much your relationship means to you if you’re angry. Build up a reserve of positive emotions in your relationship, including the reasons you love one another, advises Lamb. Other elements that can be added to this reservoir include happy times spent with each other, intensely intimate encounters, and random acts of generosity. Draw on it when times are difficult.
Make it clear that you comprehend your partner.
Every narrative has two opposing viewpoints. Consider the situation from your partner’s angle. Lamb advises us to “convey your comprehension of your relationship by your actions—thinking what they [our partner] might like us to do and doing it.” “The risk here is assuming the worst of our partner, which is likely to make a battle last longer.”
Take note of what they are saying.
Put your thoughts on hold and give the other person a chance to speak. Asking questions and paying attention to the responses is a wise substitute for making assumptions, advises Lamb. “When we listen, the majority of us pay more attention to what we’re going to say next than what’s being said. We also have a tendency to focus on veracity during challenging conversations. We’re not truly trying to understand our partner by listening to them. Rather than questioning if your partner’s perspective is valid or true in any way, just listen to it as their experience.
Think about couples counseling.
Of course, professional assistance may be necessary if you are unable to stop fighting. While I do hope that some of the aforementioned advice may be useful, putting it into practice when your relationship is mired in winning and losing arguments is difficult, according to Lamb. Couples therapists can assist you in having a different experience. They have received training and experience in discussing all facets of relationships. They’ll want to encourage both spouses equally in order to improve [the couple’s] connection.
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