Our matchmaking and advising section for sex toys on SheKnows is called Sex Toy Sommelier. Health & Sex Editor Katherine Speller is here to help SheKnows readers level-up their bedside tables, toy chests, and/or DIY sex dungeons with the tools they need to feel deeply satisfied — and give some pro-tips on how introduce some of these new toys. Whether you’re taking your first brave steps into the world of sex toys and sexual health accessories (welcome, it’s fun here!) or an old pro looking to add some new goodies
Write to us at our hotline with your interests, goals, or needs (we’ll keep your correspondence confidential, of course), and we’ll do our best to deliver a selection of toys and sexual health items that suit your preferences. While it’s true that you can’t buy love, you can purchase orgasms, which, to be honest, can sometimes be just as good.
Orgasms! They are a lot of fun to have. Your body may experience them as a DIY hard reset that is sparkly, explosive, and fun. But for certain people, they may also be divisive, elusive, stressful, and even painful!
There are many emotions around the big O (who is having them more, who isn’t experiencing them), and because people are different and intriguing creatures, no two people experience sex and pleasure in the same way.
Which leads to this month’s question:
I (a 29-year-old trans woman) have never experienced an orgasm with my very romantic lover (a trans man), and I’m afraid to tell him that. Can I bring some toys into the bedroom to assist us both get there?
— Up and not a cummer
My first thought is to warn people that orgasm is not the same as pleasure. There are several reasons (some medical, some mental, some technical!) why some people don’t or can’t orgasm with a partner during intercourse or other activities. It doesn’t matter if the actual orgasm doesn’t occur every time as long as you’re still having a good time, feeling good about yourself, and feeling appreciated, pleased, and cared for (unless you really want it to happen). Despite this, many people (disproportionately cis-women) who desire to have orgasms find it difficult to do so with their partners.
SmartyKat
Over 28,000 customers’ cats have made this $2 kitten-approved catnip toy set their new favorite toy.
If this is what you are going through, you need to know that you are not alone and that you have nothing to be ashamed of. According to research, 10 to 15 percent of cis-women claim they have never experienced an orgasm at all. In a recent sexual experience, 85% of cis-men say that their partners orgasmed, compared to 64% of cis-women, according to Indiana University’s National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. Researchers believe the margin is “too great” to be explained by same-sex relationships (which, statistically speaking, typically result in more orgasm), thus men who have sex with women are slightly more likely to overestimate their ability to cause their partner to orgasm.
Furthermore, I won’t tell you off for pretending to have an orgasm. We have all done it once or twice, whether it was to conclude a sexual encounter or to let your lover know how much you appreciate the effort they are putting in. However, I will advise you not to make it a habit because sharing what makes you happy and how is a crucial part of improving your sex life.
If your spouse is the kind of caring person who is invested in making you feel good, saying “hey, I actually was not truthful about the orgasms you think you gave me” can slightly damage their feelings. But to reach the other side of this issue, that might be something that has to be resolved. I wouldn’t be surprised if you said, “I wasn’t completely honest about orgasming when we have sex. Orgasms were a little difficult to obtain, and I have some ideas about how we can get there. It was a mistake because I care about you and was undoubtedly enjoying myself. Your sexual life shouldn’t ever feel like something you can’t fix and improve over time.
This gets us to my first piece of advice, which is to try to start that conversation with your partner—this is typically not a motorized, vibrating one. And you don’t even have to have that conversation without a lubricant for dialogue, which is why I advise you to pick up:
By Emily Nagoski, “Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life”
I suggest this book to anyone I come across who wants to learn more about the principles and research behind sex and pleasure. It’s a fantastic icebreaker and is packed with information for couples about how desire and pleasure function. After reading it and giving it to your partner, open a bottle of wine and discuss any potential areas you wish to hone in on.
This talk merely needs to take place; it doesn’t need to be stressful or ideal.
OG womanizer
Womanizer OG is a more current gadget that I’ve recently enjoyed using frequently in coupled sex. Designed to stimulate the G-Spot using Womanizer’s joy air technology and vibration, this incredibly versatile vibe also works beautifully as a clitoral stimulator.
I like it for your circumstance because it provides several forms of stimulation without being daunting or overly difficult to use. It can be used on your clit or nipples for extra stimulation, or you can hold it over your clit while having sex. Your lover can even penetrate you with it. If you’re feeling particularly frantic, you can even add the toy into some 69 action.
Sir Eva II
Over the years, I’ve given quite a few people the advice to integrate Dame’s Eva II with partnered sex/intercourse. Cute, dainty, and made to stay in place while providing any extra clitoral stimulation you might require during insertion.
(However, I do not advise focusing over trying to climax in the middle of penetration; instead, allow yourselves the grace to take turns and explore feelings individually without making penetrative intercourse the be-all, end-all of sex.)
Blindfold
I believe that the last one can aid in the objective of relieving pressure. There are a variety of reasons why a person can’t orgasm with their partner, and while you can guide them with technique or consult their OB-GYN if you feel like there’s something uncomfortable or odd, there’s definitely something to be said for getting into (or out of) your brain.
I frequently mention that your brain is your greatest and most significant sex organ; depriving yourself of one sense or lowering your level of self-consciousness are both excellent ways to activate it. It might be pretty cool to switch things up and rewire your relationship to the various feelings by partially submitting to them using something like a blindfold (basically any strip of fabric or sleep mask will do).
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