These 4 Steps Will Help You Forgive Yourself And Someone Who Hurt You

You’ve undoubtedly experienced someone hurt you before, or you may have made a mistake and are now angry with yourself. You know you shouldn’t allow your resentment or disappointment control you, yet it can be difficult to forgive someone or yourself. But once you do, you are able to let go of all the stored up negative feelings, feel good about yourself, and boldly move on with your life.

Of course, to experience these advantages, sincere forgiveness must be practiced, which is a laborious process. It’s worthwhile, though. According to Robert Enright, PhD, psychology professor at the University of Wisconsin at Madison and author of Forgiveness Is a Choice, “When you forgive, you see the personhood in the one who hurt you, and you have a fuller story of who they are.” “You realize you are more than what was done to you when you recognize that someone is more than what they did to you. You begin to recognize everyone’s innate worth, including your own.

There are many misconceptions about what forgiveness entails, making it appear more difficult than it actually is. According to Enright, “many connect forgiveness with giving in and not fighting for justice,” but it’s not about forgiving wrongdoing. Even though you decide to let go of animosity, you can still hold someone accountable.

Fundamentally, forgiving someone is a deliberate decision to let go of resentment. And neither is it quick nor easy. According to study, forgiving someone can take up to a year. However, according to Suzanne Freedman, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of Northern Iowa, “many feel they can’t forgive because they assume it should happen instantly.” There will be ups and downs along the way, and you could change your mind several times about what you want to do.

Ready to flex your muscles of forgiveness? To practice profound forgiveness, follow these steps. They are based on the four phases that Enright and Freedman distinguished.

1. Make The Decision To Forgive

The unveil phase comes first. Determine who and what exactly disturbed you by talking to a therapist or keeping a notebook. Tell the person how their actions affected you if you can do so securely. The decision stage follows, where you tell yourself that you wish to forgive. It’s acceptable if you don’t want to forgive or aren’t ready to yet.

If you’re having trouble deciding, think about whether holding onto your outrage is helping you, advises Enright. He claims that when you harbor animosity, you frequently think about the individual who injured you. You can gradually adopt a negative viewpoint and steer clear of relationships as a result. One individual has so much control over you that it has ruined your capacity for trust and joy. That provides a reason to forgive.

Do you require more motivation? According to Amanda E. White, the therapist behind the Instagram account @therapyforwomen, consider the consequences of choosing not to forgive. By refusing to forgive, she claims, you may avoid having awkward talks, being vulnerable, and having to defend your position. However, you are wasting time and losing the ability to go on with your life.

2. Do The Work Of Forgiving

Here is the third and final (heavy) phase: Consider the background of the individual who offended you. How were they brought up? Which injuries do they have? According to Enright, “you’ll probably find they’re a weak, fearful, confused person who is taking it out on you.”

Searching for common humanity may also be beneficial. Do you realize there is no one else in the world exactly like you? I’ll ask folks. Doesn’t that imply that you are valuable? I’ll then ask them the same questions regarding the offender. People eventually acknowledge that each individual has their own value, though it may take months, he claims.

Initially, it may be challenging to accept this acknowledgment. According to Enright, when people understand they can bear their grief without directing it at the other person or anyone else, the agony actually starts to fade. As a second step, think about offering the offender something positive, such kind words, a call, or a contribution made in their honor. That action confirms your lack of animosity and might motivate them to improve as well.

3. Focus On the Benefits of Forgiving

The period of discovery comes last. Enright advises keeping a journal on your identity as a person after leaving everything behind. Do you consider yourself to be more deserving of mercy? Are you more sympathetic to others’ suffering? Do you sense a new reason for living? Give yourself a pat on the back if you answered all of these questions with a loud “yes.” The goal was accomplished!

4. Also Forgive Yourself

Okay, so you’ve mastered forgiving people or are working on it. What about you, though? It’s also an internal issue! Due to their propensity for being perfectionists, White finds that women frequently struggle with self-forgiveness because owning up entails acknowledging failure.

Get into the habit of asking what you can do better when you goof up, she advises, which is a straightforward yet effective technique. “That actually boosts confidence because your ability to take charge and make things right determines how valuable you are to yourself.” Write down your ideal self and start acting in accordance with that description to take it a step farther.

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