It can be a life-changing and emotionally terrible experience for you and your family to learn that a partner has had an affair. Since it is a breach of trust, a host of other worries about your family, your future, and your health may arise. It makes understandable that you could feel overwhelmed by emotions at the time: People can unexpectedly feel a variety of emotions after learning about infidelity, including despair, rage, astonishment, and disbelief. It can be difficult to comprehend why your partner would cheat, what you missed, or how it happened, but what you choose to do in the aftermath is crucial.
Breathe in and give yourself permission to yell or cry.
Piper S. Grant, a certified clinical psychologist, sex therapist, and relationship specialist, tells SheKnows that it’s far too common for individuals to deny themselves the time and space to simply be in their feelings and feel them. So rather than screaming at your lover, scream into a pillow if you must. Allow yourself to cry in that terrible way if you need to.
Message your reliable friends
Speak with a person you know will be understanding and uncritical. “It’s not unusual for people to want to come to your aid and give you prompt instructions on what to do. This can make things even more complex and make it challenging to decide what is best for you, according to Grant.
Make an effort to comprehend how or why the adultery occurred.
Don’t assume anything; instead, pay attention. Even if you might not want to know the specifics, Bethany Ricciardi, a sex and relationship expert at TooTimid, advises SheKnows that you should try to understand why your spouse acted the way they did.
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Be sure to evaluate the state of your circumstances.
Where did you learn this? Do you feel safe? Are you at ease residing in the same home as your partner? If not, Ricciardi advises, find a secure place to spend the night and make sure you look after yourself first. When dealing with infidelity, “things may get really unstable, and you want to make sure you’re in a stable atmosphere so you can keep taking care of your normal life,”
Take a test
You should take the time to check on your health if you and your partner had been together for a long time and were fluid bonded (or beyond using barrier method contraception), which is frequently the case for people who are in long-term monogamous relationships or people who were open to conceiving. Set up a consultation with your doctor to get a STI test performed on you; it’s better to be safe than sorry.
Recognize that you’re not to blame.
You can’t blame yourself for what they chose to do when they cheated. According to relationship expert and Cupid’s Pulse founder Lori Bizzoco, “No matter what the circumstances were, your spouse made a commitment to you, and you can’t feel accountable for it.”
Consider your alternatives.
Making a final choice could be challenging, but establish the groundwork for the future of this connection now. “At this point, you need to concentrate on your coping mechanisms, whether you decide to stay together or separate. Work through it before you can forget or forgive,” advises Ricciardi.
A minimum of 24 hours should pass before making any significant decisions.
Give yourself at least 24 hours to make any major decisions that don’t need to be made right away, advises Grant. We may feel that we need to immediately enter “fix-it mode” or make significant decisions in light of learning that our partner has been unfaithful. Be attentive and intentional rather than receptive.
Reconsider the connection
Take a step back and consider whether your partner’s infidelity is something you can forgive. If it’s something you can forgive them for, you should talk to them about the best course of action for moving forward. If not, you’ll need to continue your life as best you can, adds Bizzoco.
If possible, stay off social media.
Ricciardi advises against posting negative comments about your partner online only to subsequently come to terms with their misdeeds. The complete opposite might also be detrimental. “Don’t upload phony happy pictures to make your partner envious or to give the impression that everything is well when it actually isn’t. Keep your affairs private, give yourself time to process things, and remain online.
Avoid trying to get revenge on your partner or acting vengefully.
“Don’t spread the pain,” advises Ricciardi, “because you’re really hurting right now and you want your partner to feel the same way.” Nothing you do should be irreversible, as doing so won’t make you feel any better in the long run.
Recognize what occurred.
“In many circumstances, people are unaware that their partner has cheated on them. The best course of action is to address the issue with your partner head-on because ignoring it won’t change what already happened, according to Bizzoco.
Do not neglect to look after yourself.
When these feelings become too overwhelming, people may stop eating altogether or binge on a lot of unhealthy food. Grant advises trying to take care of your bodily needs when going through a particularly emotional time because doing so will only encourage you in processing your feelings.
Nothing is going to make the process painless, but by heeding the counsel of professionals, you can hopefully fully recover in a way that is beneficial to both you and your spouse.
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