The importance of oral sex in a couple’s relationship can’t be overstated. Of course, it doesn’t matter if you enjoy giving and receiving it equally. But what if one of you adores the sensation and chooses it as their preferred method of having a sexual relationship with their spouse despite the latter’s lack of interest? That can be a major issue and leave you with the impression that something is missing (for many individuals with vaginas, it can also leave them with the impression that there is only one route to an orgasm left).
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If this has ever been the case for you and you are okay finding alternative ways to have orgasms or engage in sexual activity with your spouse to get around it, then chances are it isn’t having an impact on your relationship.
But let’s face it, many individuals believe that having oral sex can induce an out-of-body experience and cause you to climax in a way that is different from how you would with contact, intercourse, or the use of a vibrator. In fact, it’s a running joke among many couples that a man will be content with nothing more than a blowout for his birthday or a special occasion. I’ve spoken to women who give them out despite not really enjoying it since they know it makes their partner very pleased.
However, for other people, it’s not only about having fun; they also want to connect with others on a deeper level. And if the person with whom you are intimate doesn’t want to have oral sex, you might feel offended or question if there is something wrong with you.
Domina Franco, a writer, sex educator, and coach who has spent more than 20 years researching human sexuality, recently spoke with She Knows and provided us with some advice on how to handle this situation. In my opinion, oral sex is similar to being put under a magic spell, so if you like it, you should have it.
begin speaking early
First, Franco advises that you should respectfully share your desire for oral sex with your partner in a way that doesn’t make them feel forced, and that it’s best to have this conversation early on in a relationship. She also asserts that it is crucial to discuss it before an oral exam even takes place.
Even though it could be awkward, doing this will be lot less uncomfortable than telling someone or making them do something they don’t want to.
If you have been dating for some time and your partner has already told you that this is not something they enjoy or are willing to do, Franco advises respecting that as your response. The decision as to whether or not your relationship and sexual connection are overall gratifying is then up to you and your partner, according to the expert.
It’s best to decide how important oral sex is to you and recognize there is nothing wrong with you if you truly want it, nor is there anything wrong with someone who doesn’t want to receive or provide it, she continues. Resentment over these issues doesn’t help anyone, so it’s better to make this decision.
Don’t be obnoxious
Franco urges extreme caution while discussing this subject because nobody wants to feel intimidated or judged for their sexual inclinations. Pay close attention to what they say and how they say it since sometimes they may just be saying things to appease you that aren’t always representative of their true feelings.
Dr. Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills family and relationship psychotherapist, co-star on We TV’s Sex Box, author of The Self-Aware Parent, and regular child psychologist on The Doctors on CBS, was another person we chatted with. She offers several solutions to help things move a little more smoothly.
Be bold and take the initiative.
According to Walfish, performing oral sex without expecting anything in return can show your spouse your “heartfelt generosity,” and you could discover that it reciprocates.
Whatever the cause, having sexual fulfillment may make or destroy a relationship, therefore discussing our desires is always crucial.
Consider other options.
An extremely intimate and private matter is where someone else decides to put their mouth (or where they desire a mouth on them). Although having differing preferences can feel like a roadblock in your sex life (and everyone has their dealbreakers, dealmakers in the bedroom), remember that there are always new, fascinating, and inventive methods to satisfy a particular itch.
When it comes to oral sex, there are several sex toys available that can mimic the sensation of a mouth, especially when combined with the correct lubricant. Because store-bought sex items are sometimes perfectly acceptable, even if a certain sex act isn’t working for you and your partner.
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