Welcome to Better Sex With Dr. Lexx, a monthly column in which Dr. Lexx Brown-James, a sex therapist, educator, and consultant, provides her knowledge, insight, and wisdom on sex, relationships, and other topics. Dr. Lexx (also known as The #CouplesClinician) is your guide to the shame-free, medically correct, inclusive, and thorough talks for you, your partner, and your entire family. She approaches sex education as a life-long activity — “from womb to tomb.”
Unfortunately, when it comes to, well, cumming, women—especially straight women—are at the bottom of the heap. The term “the orgasm gap” describes the fact that, when compared to straight males, bi men, gay men, bi women, and homosexual women, women who have sex with men actually orgasm the least. And it is garbage. There are many factors involved, and we could go on discussing them all day. Instead, I want to suggest some techniques for centering our own sex-related pleasure that nobody ever taught us.
Hard Penis Are Not Necessary!
I’ll start by giving you some news that you might not have already heard. Sexual pleasure can be had without a hard penis, and sexual activity does not end or start with one. It is a practice that dates back in time. When the penis is hard, a sexual encounter is about to begin and concludes when it is no longer hard. It’s a myth, a fiction, and a tale as well. If you enjoy it, having a hard penis is not necessary for sexual enjoyment, and just because it is present but not erect doesn’t mean that sexual play must start or end.
Unfortunately, someone invented the procedures to engage in sexual activity with an orgasm as a bonus. Think back to the bases in baseball, for instance. Second base and first base may have been cuddling (well, look, I have no idea what second base is anymore, but you get my drift). A grand slam would be an orgasm for everyone while home would be intimate encounters. It’s a blatant deception, but we’ve been trained to believe that this is the only way sex can occur. You can mix and match your enjoyment. So think more Wheel of Fortune than baseball. This idea is also explained in Dr. Al Vernacchio’s excellent talk about how sex is like pizza. Why don’t we also include some fun since we’re not basing pleasure time entirely on the presence of a firm penis.
Try positive encouragement that concentrates your delight as a second strategy to enjoy interactions more. Women and femmes are explicitly educated to put other people’s needs, wants, and pleasures before their own – sometimes even at their own price.
Try encouraging others instead of giving up your pleasure or taking on the role of coach. “I really like it when you…”, “I’ve been thinking about….”, “Remember when…”, or “I tried this thing lately and it would be so much hotter if you did it.” are a few examples of how it may sound. Use these to motivate a partner to give you more pleasure when you’re in the heat of the moment.
Aim and shoot! Or, keep in contact!
Third, you may express to your partner what you want and how you want it while promoting enjoyment. To boost pleasure while with a lover, try using your hand over their hand, adjusting your body, or moving your body to your own pleasure rhythm. These gestures also aid in communicating to your partner how you prefer to be touched, the tempo and pressure that is most enjoyable, and a gentle method of guiding them without coming across as a coach.
Bring the toys outside!
Sex gadgets have advanced so much. They are available in a range of designs, hues, speeds, and even textures. It’s also crucial to remember that sex toys are allies, not replacements. Instead than replacing the connection you have already made, they are there to support you and increase your enjoyment. Using sex toys can be challenging since one partner may enjoy a sensation while the other may not. See if one (or more) of these top-selling sex toys are a good fit for you by looking at a couple of them.
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